Saturday, February 11, 2006

From today’s Suburban-Republican:

NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY ADDS SEARCH WORDS

Officials from the National Security Agency, speaking on condition of anonymity, reported that the agency had added the words “teddy bear” and “Winkie” to their list of search words for computerized scanning of telephone calls and e-mails going in and out of the country. Said one top NSA official: “In a matter of weeks, this change has already saved thousands of lives.”

The official provided this newspaper with the following intercepted conversation:

“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“My… My…”
“What, honey?”
“My teddy bear got all dirty today!”
“He did?”
“Yeah. But Mommy put him in the … the … washing machine.”
“Good.”
“He went around and around, and he’s all clean now.”

The NSA official declined to comment on whether the exchange might refer to a plot involving a dirty bomb. “But we have no reason not to believe so,” said the official. Asked about the apparent use of a child to relay a coded message to terrorists abroad, the official said, “Children are our new prime suspects.”

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


At left, the mug shot released to the press. The Free Winkie Committee has nothing to hide!

(We only just figured out how to post photos. And thanks, we guessed our new password.)

We will also begin posting news stories on the bear, even negative stories, which (unfortunately) is all of them. But the truth will come out!

As for the defendant’s gender, we have voted to no longer specify it.

Monday, February 06, 2006

YEEEEEEHAWWWW! KILL WINKIE!!!!!
(Rumsfeld House guessed your password! And we changed it, SUCKERS!)
And in case the Free Winkie Committee hasn’t noticed, Miss Winkie isn’t a toy, she’s a FREAK! A deformed dwarf who hates everything our nation stands for—or haven’t you watched the news? (Evidently the FWC hasn’t even noticed that Winkie is a SHE, not a HE. Evidently the FWC has “gender issues”!) We DARE YOU to post a photo of her. (IF you can guess your new password. Hint: It begins with F!)
KILL WINKIE!