Monday, March 27, 2006

Additional note to the man sent to spy on the Free Winkie Committee: contrary to your March 24 comment, we know your name is not “Laszlo Hirsuty” but Bob Chase, and though you may indeed be a student in the university’s gender studies program, you are also an employee of the FBI. Bao found this information in your wallet—the circumstances of which prompted her to make the following statement:

“While it is true that I slept with Bob over the weekend, it is not true that I betrayed either our cause or my own principles (as some FWC members have charged). As for our cause, I obtained valuable information about Bob (see above). As for my principles: though I admit that I gave into Bob’s advances in a moment of weakness (He whispered, ‘Your name means “bun”’), I reserve the right to give in to my own weakness if I like. And though I AM a committed lesbian, in this case the experiment had less to do with Bob’s gender than with his status as an officer of the law. In short, I wanted to "do" a cop. That is my right. Free Winkie!”

P.S. The FWC wishes to reiterate that we make no judgment on Bob’s hairy back or his right to attend our meetings. Winkie him/herself has a hairy back, as his/her detractors have often pointed out (as if this were a point of shame). We also welcome both vegans and meat eaters to our meetings, though not bear hunters.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Note to the 40-year-old man carrying a skateboard who attended our envelope-stuffing party last night: we know you’re not a student, and we know you’ve been following us. But you are welcome to spy on us—the Free Winkie Committee has nothing to hide!

For future reference, your white “Meat Is Murder” t-shirt, while endearing, doesn’t conceal the hair on your back. Zach finds it a turn-off, but Bao thinks it’s kind of sexy—she likes “bears.”

Sunday, March 19, 2006

From today's Times-Suburban-Republican-Independent-Pennysaver:

"Last night at a charity ball for Jack Abramaoff Children's Hospital, held at the Mohegan Sun Casino in Connecticut, former First Lady Barbara Bush called serial bomber Winkie 'a piece of filth' and 'a disgrace to all decent toys across the land.' Later in the evening, a photo opportunity caused a minor disturbance at the hospital, as sick children fled in terror at the sight of Mrs. Bush and her husband in purple scrubs."

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Report on the Second Meeting of the Free Winkie Committee:

The argument began over when our first protest should be, and who should be allowed to speak, though Emily advocated having no speakers at all, because language is pointless anyway, and maybe we should just sing songs instead, but Zach said, not very nicely, OK then, what songs? They went around and around until Yepoka started yelling that as far as she was concerned the Free Winkie Committee had already outlived its usefulness and should be dissolved immediately.

It was then that we noticed the flames reflected in the screen of Emily’s laptop.

We went to the window to see that students from Campus Crusade for Christ (which is, in fact, nearly the entire student body) had joined hands around a huge bonfire, right in front of the Lacan Building. As they prayed, a ten-foot effigy of Winkie was slowly wheeled into position near the fire.

We were all very upset. Bao screamed, “Fucking Christians!” at them, but Yepoka said, “I’m a Christian,” and started crying. None of us knew what to do. We’d been arguing for two fucking hours. Zach and Emily said forget it, they were going home, so Bao said, “Ben, what do you think?”

Ben hadn’t spoken all night, and we’d almost forgotten he was there. (We often forget he’s there.) Down on the lawn, they’d started singing about the apocalypse. Ben looked at the ceiling and said:

“Walt Whitman wrote, ‘May-be, if I don’t do anything else, I shall send out the most wayward, spontaneous, fragmentary book ever printed.’ So I say, if we don’t do anything else, let’s send out the most wayward, spontaneous, fragmentary political movement ever created! Free Winkie!”

We all cheered. The effigy went up in flames.