Saturday, April 22, 2006

Apologies in the delay since our last post. Because of complaints to the governor by Rumsfeld House and Opus Dei regarding this organization’s activities, the college president has banned us from meeting on campus and, moreover, eliminated the Gender Studies program, which he called “a hotbed of relativism.”

Nearly everyone in the Free Winkie Committee had to change his/her major—though Ben, who was in Comp Lit, decided to switch anyway, in protest, to Home Ec. Since several members of the Gender Studies faculty were also transferred to that department (fortunately they are state employees and cannot be fired), the rest of us have followed.

Naturally we also had to rearrange our schedules. As the semester is nearly half over, the only course available was Fabric Crafts Intensive, which meets all day and all night, five days a week. So we have also been busy catching up—we assume this is what the authorities wanted. However, our midterm group project will be a 40-foot teddy bear with huge ears whose name we dare not speak on campus.

(Above right, the former bell hooks Gender Studies Center, now Tom DeLay Pavilion.)

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Report on the third meeting of the Free Winkie Committee:

Bao pointed out that we haven't yet explained why we believe Winkie is innocent. Emily countered that doing so would only play into the outmoded belief that arguments are meaningful, but after a lengthy discussion she agreed that putting forth our case might be necessary. Following another seventeen hours of debate, we agreed to issue the following statement:

1. Winkie has been charged with a series of bombings that took place over the past 11 years. But before the bear's arrest, the FBI's Most Wanted List described the person responsible for these crimes as a middle-aged man, medium build, about 6 feet tall. As the mug shot clearly shows, Winkie is of indeterminate gender, quite old, of slight build, and barely a foot tall.

2. It is no more unlikely that Winkie is a teddy bear, as we believe, than that s/he is “deformed” or “the victim of some Third World disease,” as the prosecution has claimed. Freud noted the widespread belief among children that their toys are alive, and we see no logical means of disputing this. Or, as Fernando Pessoa wrote, “I consider it neither a human nor a literary error to attribute a soul to the things we call inanimate.” (Thanks to Ben for drawing our attention to this passage.)

3. While we can't rule out the possibility of an evil teddy bear, we do note the absence of forensic evidence in the case, including the prosecution's telling admission—later retracted—that no matching fingerprints were found on any bomb-making materials, because the defendant's paws are “evidently made of cloth.”

Free Winkie!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

From today's Empire-Imperial News:

“Prosecutors in the Winkie case today released this drawing, executed by the defendant during an interrogation, which depicts the U.S. embassy in Baku, Azerbaijan. ‘While the defedand refused to identify it, this schematic is strong evidence of a terrorist plot to bomb the embassy,’ asserted the district attorney, who drew reporters’ particular attention to the smoke coming from the tower at upper right--the living quarters of the American Ambassador to Azerbaijan. Because of security concerns, authorities were unable to release corroborating photos of the embassy in Baku.”

Monday, April 03, 2006

From today’s Exurban Mega-News:
“This frightening photo, obtained by the Mega-News, shows the so-called Teddy Bear Terrorist in an apparently ‘wild’ state, according to a top member of the prosecution team, who spoke on condition of anonymity. ‘We see in this photo a criminal mind so ravaged by evil that it has reverted to a savage or animal existence,’ said the official.

“Snapped by a hiker more than a year ago, in a remote area not far from where the terror suspect was later nabbed, the picture was originally published in the National Tattler as a shot of ‘Baby Bigfoot.’ It was only recently that the image came to the attention of prosecutors, said the official. ‘Of course we know there’s no such thing as Bigfoot!’ he laughed. ‘But we know that deformed Muslim midgets—who immigrate from disgusting countries in order to blow up innocent property and people—are all too real.’”