Wednesday, June 21, 2006

From a report published today:

Winkie Prosecutor Tests Brilliant New Legal Strategy

In a bold move that may affect terrorism trials across the nation, the prosecutor in the Winkie case plans to call skilled actors in place of those witnesses who cannot testify. With crimes that took place some years ago, for example, all of the witnesses against the defendant may in fact be dead. But that won’t stop this dynamo prosecutor, who has vowed to put freak of nature Winkie behind bars—and win himself a place in legal history.

Says one trial insider: “Carefully coached performers can present testimony far more persuasively than most real witnesses, who can easily be tripped up by clever defense attorneys. And proper elocution will make it easier for the press to take accurate notes and fully inform the public on the trial.”

Names of the actors—as well as the roles they will play—are being withheld for reasons of national security. Many of the charges, too, are classified, though sources report that another important aspect of the prosecution strategy is to charge Winkie with misdeeds committed, in some cases, as many as 2,500 years ago. Legal theorists call it a “temporal scattershot” approach. “If the jury finds these charges believable, great,” says an expert in the U.S. Attorney General’s office, which is watching the case closely. “If not, these carefully calibrated falsehoods will only make the government’s other charges seem that much more believable by comparison. It's a win-win.”

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

In response to the editorial in today's university newspaper: We aren't trying to downplay the charges against Winkie by not yet posting them here. Rather, the 9,758 counts have taken some time for us to summarize. Also in response to today's editorial: No, we do not believe the defendant would prefer to be tried in Kazakhstan. Winkie's altogether American trial begins tomorrow; the crimes with which s/he is charged include:

- Terrorism
- Treason
- Conspiring to overthrow the United States government
- Providing material support to a foreign terrorist organization
- Possession of components from which a destructive device such as a bomb can be readily assembled
- One hundred twenty-four counts of attempted murder
- Impersonating a woman
- Fraud
- Resisting arrest
- Corrupting the youth of Athens
- Holding the false doctrine that the sun is the center of the world and the earth moves
- Blasphemy
- Witchcraft
- Teaching evolution in the schools
- Ritual satanic abuse
- The creation of immoral works of art
- Obscenity
- Acts of gross indecency with certain young men of London

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

The Free Winkie Committee urges everyone to sign the following petition:

We, the undersigned, make the following demands regarding Winkie, reputedly a terrorist and traitor, in fact an innocent stuffed animal:

* That Winkie receive a fair trial, and that all charges for crimes committed before 1924 be dropped, since this was before the bear was made.

* That those citizens who have screamed their wish to kill the bear themselves (with “bare hands” or other means such as hammers and chainsaws), be excluded from the jury.

* That the judge practice objectivity, perhaps by listening to the wind in very tall trees.

* That Winkie be served berries in jail.

* That the press refrain from such phrases as “bear of evil,” “terror mutant,” and “jug-eared Satan.” (Though “the he-she suspect” is at least accurate, as Winkie is transgendered.)

* That the Vice President cease calling for Winkie to be burned at the stake and tossed into a body of water to see if s/he floats, at least until the trial has begun.