Wednesday, June 21, 2006

From a report published today:

Winkie Prosecutor Tests Brilliant New Legal Strategy

In a bold move that may affect terrorism trials across the nation, the prosecutor in the Winkie case plans to call skilled actors in place of those witnesses who cannot testify. With crimes that took place some years ago, for example, all of the witnesses against the defendant may in fact be dead. But that won’t stop this dynamo prosecutor, who has vowed to put freak of nature Winkie behind bars—and win himself a place in legal history.

Says one trial insider: “Carefully coached performers can present testimony far more persuasively than most real witnesses, who can easily be tripped up by clever defense attorneys. And proper elocution will make it easier for the press to take accurate notes and fully inform the public on the trial.”

Names of the actors—as well as the roles they will play—are being withheld for reasons of national security. Many of the charges, too, are classified, though sources report that another important aspect of the prosecution strategy is to charge Winkie with misdeeds committed, in some cases, as many as 2,500 years ago. Legal theorists call it a “temporal scattershot” approach. “If the jury finds these charges believable, great,” says an expert in the U.S. Attorney General’s office, which is watching the case closely. “If not, these carefully calibrated falsehoods will only make the government’s other charges seem that much more believable by comparison. It's a win-win.”

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The point bears repeating: terrorist AND toy is also a possibility.

June 23, 2006  
Blogger Free Winkie Committee said...

the justice department source quoted in this news story has since repudiated his remarks and the story had to be retracted. said the source: "in characterizing some of the charges against winkie as 'falsehoods,' i must have confused this case with another one involving four government officials, a scottish golf course, seven transvestite hookers from glasgow and one unfortunate ewe."

June 23, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The question isn't necessarily whether Winkie committed certain crimes of antiquity, but if he ASPIRED to commit them. In the Salem of the Puritans, for example, plotting witchcraft was just as bad as doing it, and indeed therefore so is plotting now to do it back then.

June 27, 2006  
Anonymous bookfraud said...

this is brilliant. actors as witness is the next step in reality programing -- reality reality. kind of like the actors recreating the michael jackson trial.

June 28, 2006  
Blogger LMizzle said...

FREE WINKIE!

June 30, 2006  
Anonymous Kaytie said...

While I ordinarily take the position that the guilt is in the ears, in Winkie's case it's clear that s/he is innocent.

Winkie has the eyes of an innocent bear. The innocence is in the eyes.

Eyes--even eyes that click--can't lie.

July 05, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Even if the sky blue caftan and small maroon fez fit, to paraphrase Johnnie Cochran, "You still must acquit."

March 14, 2007  

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